Answers...

I realized something the other night...

Everyone wants Answers..

You all want to know why I am so quick to..

Anger..

Get Defensive..

Shut down..

Believe the worst..

Basically you want to know why exactly I am such a bitch.

And you know I can tell you...

It's because every time I give the benefit of the doubt and let someone in they hurt me...

And it is never by accident either, that they do so.

So at this point I am just found the defensive is the best side for me to be on.

And I realized something else.

That I get it.

Why you want answers...Cause I want them to...

But although everyone wants me to give them the answer...

No one wants to give me any..

It's always I don't know

or I was a different person then..

Or my absolute fav..

Their I can't get my way so I am gonna throw a fit ...

Cause I am a bitch and a horrible person...

But no one can tell me why...

How hard is it???

It's not really they just don't have the guts to tell me the damn truth...

Why do you talk behind my back?

Because you don't have the respect for me or balls for yourself to tell me to my face...

Why do you choose your piece of shit son over me every single time when he is sitting there doing drugs and treating you like shit and I was calling you almost everyday asking about work and how life was and letting you in???

Oh because you never really wanted me and you wish I was never born and the only reason you want me in your life is because my kids are cute and you think because my Daddy is gone you get to be their fav...

Why did you walk away...when I begged you to stay...

I wish I knew the answer to this one because it eats me alive everyday...

But no one gives me the answers...and that makes me hurt...

It makes me hurt so bad that I don't want to feel anything ever again...

and since I don't believe in suicide because I refuse to take the easy way out or hurt innocent people like my children...that leaves me with one option...

Shut down...

Shut out..

and when people don't back down..

Be the biggest bitch I can be until they do...

You think I like being this person?

I don't...I miss the me I used to me...

as much as I miss the people I wish they had been to me...

I don't miss what was...it hurt me so much it broke me

I miss the what could have been..

If they had cared enough to let it be..

But now it never can...

I don't miss who they were to me...

I miss who I dreamt of them being who I prayed for them to be..

They didn't approve of my choices and my life...

they should look in a mirror...

But you know at least I can hold my head high and speak the truth..

I am human...

I may be making a mistake..but so did they

at least I admit to mine when I do make them..

At least I change...

Don't believe me..

I made a mistake trusting them with my heart because they were supposed to be my family...

And when they hurt me so much I finally broke...

Then I changed right into the strong stubborn hateful bitch I am today...

They say they want me back...

For one I don't even care what they want anymore..

And for two I wonder which me do they want...

The one they were blessed to have in their life who loved them and idolized them and wanted nothing more than their love and approval in return..

Or the broken hateful hurtful me that they turned me into...

Answers....

We all want them...

To bad none are to be found.

The Meaning of Christmas..by my children

I haven't had a lot of bookings this year for the holidays..and it's got me really down in the dumps as far as wishing I had more money to provide my kids with the one thing they have each asked for...and sadly I can't...however happily my kids are so understanding and amazing I know they will be thankful for whatever we can get them and being so down in the dumps about it when they are just so excited for as they said this morning baking cookies and making ornaments like last year that I feel horrible for being so focused on something material even if I am focused on it just because I want to spoil my prefect babies...I am thankful for my children for reminding me who I am and how I raised them. 

So this morning when they reminded me I decided to get out of the dumps,

and make this the most memorable and fun and love filled Christmas they have ever had.

I asked them what Christmas means to them.

Here are their answers...you know what they say...out of the Mouths of babes..

Cherry- Kindness, Happy Feelings, Seeing Santa, Hot coco, cookies and family movie day. 

Jaydon- Santa, decorating the tree together, cookies, coco.

Mack- Santa, Snow and coco.

Emmit- Snowmen.

And Gracie is too young to answer but I have a feeling if she could she wouldn't say anything about presents under the tree either...

Because the real presents are each other.

And the real Meaning of Christmas is LOVE.

Christmas is a time to show those in your life that matter just how much you love them.

Not by how expensive of a gift you buy them or how many gifts you give.

But by the thoughts you think of them, the time you spend with them..

The Love you share with them as you make memories.

As you have a family snowball fight,

As you make ornaments with your children.

As you cook for hours to make the prefect meal you will eat together.

As you read your children a bed time story and tuck them in on Christmas eve..

And as any parent knows getting Joy out of watching your Children open their presents..

Because half the time they love the boxes and wrapping paper more than the gifts lol.

So I am one pretty Proud Mommy this morning because my Children reminded me...

Of the true Spirit and Meaning of Christmas.

To Love one another and be together.