The Boy who stole my heart first

             Communication is important...and sometimes it's hard. Harder then it should be. And more often then not things get taken wrong or misunderstood. I am dealing with that right now...with one of the most important people in my life. When we moved to Eastern Washington 3yrs ago it wasn't under great circumstances. I don't regret moving here...but I do hate the way it happened. I do hate that people were hurt. I do hate that one of the most important people in my life thought I didn't love him...thought I could walk away and not hurt like I was missing part of me...And that I thought he hated me...because he couldn't say goodbye...We were both so very wrong...and Now I am trying to repair the damage but I don't know if I can...and that seriously is breaking me into pieces...

              He probably won't ever read this and if he did at this point I am not sure if he'd care.... I hate that it seems we lost what we had... He was and is so much to me.... He was the first boy who stole my heart...
 20 years ago....
God how can it be so long... I swear he should still just be that little boy...but he's not
And the man he is... God he probably doesn't think I have the right to say this...
But I am so Damn proud of that man...
He's kind, Smart, amazing, and stubborn... Just like me (the stubborn part) just like his papa...
20 years ago my sister was pregnant with my nephew...
I was so excited to meet him and so in love with that little boy before he was even born.
I was only 7yrs old..so to me it was like I was finally getting a younger sibling..
He was born on February 16th.... I can't believe he will be 20 this year....
And it was instant undeniable strong amazing love...
I watched him grow...
I went to his baseball games..
I saw him go to his first dance...
I danced with him at my wedding...
He was my first boy...
Always has been and always will be...
And when I finally had a Son I named him Jaydon...
I have all these reasons why I named my kids what I name them...
No one knows the second Reason behind Jaydons name though
the first reason is that it means "Thankful" and Jaydon is our miracle baby...but the second reason..
Was because I wanted to be able to call him Jay...like the other important boy in my life...Jonathan Eric Teabo... J
There isn't anyone in this world I love more then my kids...but there are two people that I love just as much as them... J and his sister Miranda...
They were my world for so long... I was part Aunt part friend part sibling and sometimes part parent... and those were the best relationships I have ever had... Being all sibling...it get's old sometimes being the baby and getting treated like a idiot...Being all friend can get to be annoying sometimes when you grow apart, Being all Parent is hard and you don't get to always be the fun one...and being all aunt just doesn't allow you to grow as close..but we had the perfect combination...
I wish J could see me now.. with tears streaming down my face, My heart on my sleeve and the truth in my eyes...He'd know that despite what we both thought...we were both wrong..and we can have that back...We could be that close again.. I don't think he knows how much I miss him...I keep trying to tell him... I would do anything...if only he would tell me what it would take...
He was and is the first boy who stole my heart and the part he took will forever and always only belong to him. I think we both have missed out on enough time..And I pray he will see that and give it another chance... Don't ever forget that you were my first and my only JJ the Jet plane and there is no one who can take your place.. I love you so much... If only you knew. And you have no idea how sorry I am that you doubted it....