Depression...

     Depression is a horrible Illness that affects millions of people. 

It's ugly and heartbreaking and comes in many forms. 

You can't put someone that has depression in a category anymore then you can 

someone who has cancer.

My Name is Nancy, I am 27years old, Happily Married, I have Six beautiful amazing kids...

I am BLESSED...

I am also Depressed. 

Man that's hard to write. 

Talking about being sick isn't something I do well.

I know I shouldn't feel ashamed or angry at myself.

Depression is a sickness...

I don't blame anyone who has it,

I don't think them weak,

I don't think they are over-exaggerating. 

But I blame myself, I think myself weak, and I feel like I am making a mountain out a mole-hill.

Depression is a black hole that sucks you in and won't let you go.

It eats at you, makes you doubt yourself.

There are many forms of depression.

Hormonal...

Mental...

Emotional...

My depression is a emotional depression.

Meds don't work.

Talking it out doesn't work.

It kills me because it's a daily struggle for me when it rears it's ugly head.

I haven't had a stretch of depression in almost 4years.

But recently I have had a lot of...

let's call them triggers..

Big emotional things that weigh down on me.

Most of the time I am great at handling things.

But there are some triggers I can't fight.

My Dad's death...

My Miscarriage..

Ect...

Recently I have suffered a couple triggers...

Some not so difficult to fight through...

And one that broke me.

A couple of you know what I am talking about...

But most of you don't.

I am a private person when it comes to certain things.

This Trigger being one of them.

I know people are going to tell me to talk about it...

It'll help...that's what you believe.

It won't..

I have talked about it.

With the person who caused it.

With a few people close to me.

It's been a daily struggle the last couple months.

Don't get me wrong.. I am blessed. 

I know this.

 I remind myself every moment of everyday.

But Depression isn't a easy foe to beat.

Depression eats at me in ways I know, I see them, I feel them, I recognize them...

But that doesn't matter.

It doesn't matter when I wake up in the morning and I feel exhausted...

I feel like I could close my eyes and never wake up...

And I know, It's depression.

It's trying to take this from me.

I know that. 

I push off that need to curl up under the covers and go back to the darkness.

I get up and I kiss my kids. 

I get them dressed and I feed them breakfast.

I get them to school and I come home with the littles.

Then that's all I have in me.

I think...

I should want to clean, to cook, to bake, to edit photos, to play with the kids...

To do anything that makes me happy...just anything.

But I don't want to do anything at all.

I sit feeling isolated.

Feeling sick.

I don't eat.

I barely drink.

I feel alone and weak and tired.

I know I am not alone. I push myself up.

I hug my kids and pull them in for cuddles.

I try to get the motivation to do the dishes,

To tackle the laundry.

To make dinner.

I could care less about doing it.

Anyone who knows me knows that's not normal.

I surround myself in chaos..

In busy work.

I always have...

It's my cure all.

I can't get down and out. I won't let depression win..

If I keep myself busy. 

If I am do do doing, depression can't catch me to set in...

Until I trip and stumble on a big old emotional road block...

When those bring me to my knees the depression reaches from the shadows and grabs hold.

Then it's a fight...

I try so hard to kick it loose..

But sometimes it takes way longer then I would like.

Today I won...

First day in months I have gotten shit done.

I didn't want to.

I kept thinking...

This is to much to do. 

I should just stop.

It can wait...

Or should I say depression kept trying to make me think.

Then I would shake my head and say no.

No I just have to do "insert whatever I was working on"

I just have to focus on finishing this.

Then I would start the next thing and fight the same battle.

Before I knew it. I had cleaned my kitchen.

Top to bottom.

Done all the dishes.

Started a crockpot dinner.

Cleaned my dining room top to bottom.

Done laundry.

Taken out the trash and recycle.

Cleaned the living room.

Vacuumed.

Mopped.

And I thought...Okay I got this...

And then...I got another trip in my road.

Not a big one...

Not one that would normally phase me in the slightest.

But the problem is once I am depressed...

Everything is big.

Because depression makes me feel small...

It makes me feel low and dragged down.

And when you are so low...

Every LITTLE thing...seems so big.

And it pulls you down.

It weighs you down.

And I thought.

Not again.

No I don't want to be pulled down.

I don't want to eat three bites of dinner and feel full.

I don't want to lay on the couch and feel numb at the same time I feel super sensetized.

I don't want Depression to win.

So what do I do.

I face my foe.

I stand toe to toe with Depression and I don't back down.

The first step to beating your enemy is recognizing your enemy.

I see you depression.

I know you as well as you know me.

You aren't as subtle as you think.

And You will not win.

I am Nancy, I have been fighting depression since I was 8years old.

Many times Depression has won the battle...

But it will not win the war.

I am 27, Happily Married, have 6 beautiful children...

I am BLESSED

And I have depression...

But it does NOT have me.

-Nancy